I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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