i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Someone shattered a urinal.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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