I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
