I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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