The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Go christen that room with your naked body.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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