dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
