Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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