Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
