I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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