I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
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This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
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So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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