I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
dude. I can hear the air.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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