My hair reeks of homosexuality.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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