Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
