I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
