What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
