No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
