I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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