I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
