You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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