A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
