Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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