I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
