brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
