Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
