i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
