You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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