If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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