When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
