At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
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it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
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Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.