I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
