I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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