Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
