even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
