even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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