She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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