Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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