I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
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The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
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I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.