I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Randomize
