70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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