why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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