Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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