I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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