I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
