I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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