She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
