Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
