we have pet lesbian snakes
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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