im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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