Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
