theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
