Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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