Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
