There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
