I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Drake has all the answers
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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