I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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