I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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