had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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